On the 19th anniversary of the tragic events of Columbine, I feel compelled to write about a powerful book concerning the events that has haunted my thoughts since finishing it a few weeks ago. In A Mother’s Reckoning – Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy, Sue Klebold bravely faces the reality of what her son did on that horrible day of April 20, 1999. She thoughtfully tries to understand how it could have happened and how she never knew her son was suffering so much. It is essential reading for people who want to comprehend the complexities of a school shooting and how to prevent them. It should be required reading for all teachers and parents so we do not miss the signs of those who are truly hurting and desperate for help.
The Last People on Earth
Sue Klebold begins the book by apologizing for her son and all the pain that he has caused. Throughout the book, she is incredibly respectful of the grief and heartache that the victims of her son’s act live with and never ceases to acknowledge the enormity of this grief. All profits from the book are donated to suicide prevention and brain health research. She is making no money off the book. She is simply sharing what she has learned as she attempts to live with the consequences of her son’s actions on her journey to try to understand what she missed that caused them. She offers it as a voice calling for help for our most vulnerable.
The first half of the book opens on the day of the shooting and begins with a phone call from her husband that something has happened at the school. It recounts the events and her reactions to them over the first six months after the tragedy. She mixes her reflections with her own journal entries from the time to describe how she made space in her own mind to accept what Dylan had done. It starts with her own fear that something had happened to him, her denial that he was capable of this, the justifications and blame placed for his behavior to finally accepting what her son had done and how she never knew him fully. The final awaking occurs when the police investigating the shooting share with her and her husband all the evidence that they have collected. It includes journal entries her son wrote and tapes her son and his friend made. Seeing his thoughts and his behavior in the videos confirmed for her that she never knew or understood the depths of her son’s depression and desire to die. It shattered her picture and memory of who he was and forced her to reconfigure her definition of who he was.
The first half of the book opens on the day of the shooting and begins with a phone call from her husband that something has happened at the school. It recounts the events and her reactions to them over the first six months after the tragedy. She mixes her reflections with her own journal entries from the time to describe how she made space in her own mind to accept what Dylan had done. It starts with her own fear that something had happened to him, her denial that he was capable of this, the justifications and blame placed for his behavior to finally accepting what her son had done and how she never knew him fully. The final awaking occurs when the police investigating the shooting share with her and her husband all the evidence that they have collected. It includes journal entries her son wrote and tapes her son and his friend made. Seeing his thoughts and his behavior in the videos confirmed for her that she never knew or understood the depths of her son’s depression and desire to die. It shattered her picture and memory of who he was and forced her to reconfigure her definition of who he was.
Toward Understanding
In the second part of the book, she meticulously combs through her own memories of him as a child and in the years leading up to the shooting to attempt to uncover the signs she may have missed. She is brutally honest in her reflections and unflinching in her analysis. She obsesses over each detail or event to find the key thing she could have noticed or done that would have saved her son and all his victims. She never found it. There are some signs and behaviors that in hindsight, offer some explanation, but when judged in real time, don’t rise to the level of alarm that would have been required to get him help. Sue and her husband were active and loving parents who thought they knew their son. He hid his pain very well.
In this part of the book she also discussed how she began to return to work and became involved in support networks for surviving family members of those who have committed suicide. What she learned was that her son was suicidal and had suicidal thoughts as early as almost two years before the shootings. He went to the school to die and was ok with other people dying as well. His friend Eric was psychopathic and wanted to cause mass destruction and death and was ok if he died in the process. The combination of the two was a deadly mix. Dylan’s mental health issues causing him to want to die, his vulnerability to a mutually destructive friendship with someone who had violent desires and his own mental health issues, triggering events at school such as a toxic culture with ongoing bullying, plus easy access to guns lead to the tragedy of Columbine. Any one of these factors, Dylan might have been able to survive, but the confluence of all of them led to the tragedy.
In this part of the book she also discussed how she began to return to work and became involved in support networks for surviving family members of those who have committed suicide. What she learned was that her son was suicidal and had suicidal thoughts as early as almost two years before the shootings. He went to the school to die and was ok with other people dying as well. His friend Eric was psychopathic and wanted to cause mass destruction and death and was ok if he died in the process. The combination of the two was a deadly mix. Dylan’s mental health issues causing him to want to die, his vulnerability to a mutually destructive friendship with someone who had violent desires and his own mental health issues, triggering events at school such as a toxic culture with ongoing bullying, plus easy access to guns lead to the tragedy of Columbine. Any one of these factors, Dylan might have been able to survive, but the confluence of all of them led to the tragedy.
Never Again
In the last years, Sue Klebold has become an activist for mental health or brain health research and treatment as well as suicide prevention. (See TedTalk above) She makes clear that ending school shootings in the United States has no easy answers. Yes, gun control is part of it. Yes, better mental health treatment is part of it. Yes, better understanding by professionals in the school as to how to identify the signs of mental health breakdowns among students is part of it. Yes, addressing toxic school cultures is part of it. All of these issues need to be tackled in combination. She urges us to act. We must identify and support our students and sons and daughters who are suffering and to get them help early. She was unable to save her son, but she hopes her story will help others.